Where do PTSD come from?
From fighting a War? Seconds away from turning into dust in a bombing? After seeing a suicide in front of your eyes?
All of that can cause PTSD and more. For me it’s a 10 year child abuse, here goes nothing… (there’s going to be a lot of Singlish slang so it might sound odd)
No child should ever experience what I experienced and what I going to say is just the tip of the iceberg of my 10 year abuse history.
Have you ever had to beg for your own death? Have you got a knife to your throat before? Have you been bashed with a luggage before? Have you been locked in a room with no food, no toilet, no water for almost the entire day? Have you been used as a punching bag for fun? Have you been strangled and you’re so close to dying then released for a hint oxygen then another round of strangulation? All of these questions is a yes for me. Here’s the dumbest part ; it’s my own sibling. The first and favorite son in the family adored by almost all the cousins and relatives. Now imagine after 10 years of abuse and nobody knew about all the beatings, death threats, isolation, strangulation, etc. All of this at the age of 5 to about 15. Actually its’s pretty simple to make somebody shut up. This saying will stick to my head until my deathbed, “You cry some more, I beat some more” and “You tell some more, I beat some more”. Tell this to a 5 year old child, how the hell is anyone going to help him? Its a never ending cycle, I tell my mom she scold him, I get a great beating. I tell my dad, he beat him then I get beaten up. Then if I say anything or even didn’t say anything I still get a beating. He is a psychopathic maniac. My own brother, what a great sibling to have.
Other than beating, “Go message my feet or else”, “Go message my head or else” “Stay in this room, don’t move or else” when either my mother or my father reach home, he said “Go do your homework, don’t say anything or else” Then when my parents are not around he purposely ask “You got homework?” when I say yes “Do your homework later, message my head now”
Here’s another thing, he loves to trash my study area for fun. It’s normal for him to throw all my school books, stationery and whatever is on the shelf on the floor and say “Clean up everything”. Any parent who see all this mess would say “WHY YOUR ROOM SO MESSY CLEAN UP NOW!”
Here’s the most traumatizing 2 minutes I had in my life, a freaking drumstick for drums pressed onto my neck and he asked me “Why shouldn’t I kill you?” “I can just push this in you know”. This happen to me when I was 12 and what do you think went through my mind? I really was ready to die. I couldn’t take anymore of this abuse. If you were 12 years old and someone ask you that question “Why shouldn’t I kill you?” and it will just take a few seconds to turn you into a corpse. How would you answer? Well I guess so, even I don’t know what I would do in my situation. So here’s my 12 year old instinct answered, I said one word “Pain”. He said “Mama take care of you is more pain” then he continued “So why shouldn’t I kill you?” I kept saying “Pain” He put his other hand in the air and push the drumstick with a lot of speed into my neck and stop the moment it sinks into my skin. I thought I was going to see the angel of death, I thought I will be buried, I thought I was going to leave this world. No. I’m back here in my room with the door locked and he said “Stupid piece of shit” and left the room. I never tell anyone this because if this incident got to any of my parents, I’ll be dead with a drumstick through my throat.
When writing this, PTSD symptoms are appearing about early 2021 like me having sudden flashbacks, giving tantrum to random objects out of a sudden, re-living/ re-experiencing the abuse I had with lots of anxiety, having my mind on constant red alert like as if somebody is going to hurt me at any moment even I have a knife on standby even if there is nobody at home except me.
These symptoms started to come out after I opened up to my mother as she helped me out in my foot surgery and is always there for me. Since I’m always at home, I got closer to my mother and decided to tell her what her son did to me behind closed doors. FYI when I was 16, he left his religion and joined another. (I won’t say which religion to be culturally sensitive) For most families no matter what religion, if someone leaves their religion and joins another, it’s bound to have family disputes. So my brother got disowned and he’s old enough to live on his own.
The first time I opened up was to my aunt then to my best friend then my mother. When I opened up to my mother, thinking I could get some closure or some support. NOPE it was toxic like crazy. Hearing these words make me want to slit my throat open…
Mother: “He’s still my son”, “Am I suppose to know everything?”, “If you are so angry go find a child to abuse”, “If you want his address, I can send you his address, go kill him”. “It’s just the devil playing tricks in your mind to test you”, “I got send him to religious class, why would he do such a thing”, “I got send him to the same Primary School as you, why would he do such a thing”, “Oh maybe because I send him to Uncle house when he was small and Uncle bully him”, “Oh maybe because there’s kids at school who bully him”, “Then from all this bullies, he don’t know how to release his anger so he release on you lorh”
Soon she told my father then toxic round 2.
Father: “Why don’t you just tell me? I’ll beat him” “You are someone who doesn’t open up that’s your problem” “I hit him doesn’t mean that he have to hit you what”
My mother defended her first and favorite son like no tomorrow. Lesson number 1 don’t practice any form of favoritism especially to your children. Not all children are angels. Not all children are perfect. Not all children are saints.
I call bullshit and say there’s no reason to abuse anyone or anything just because someone did it to them. I talked back to my mother “If I abuse my sister and beat her the way he beat me then it’s okay right?! Just because someone else abused me then it’s a free pass to abuse others ah?!” There’s no difference in talking back, she continued defending him and when she had nothing else to say, her next strategy of defense was “Your father and I working everyday to feed 4 children, we must know everything ah?!” I said this straight to her face “Wait until I cut my neck and use the blood to write everything on the wall.”
Things got worse when my father got involved. FYI, my father has not been in Singapore for close to 3 years already. 2 freaking festive seasons he is not at home. He got locked down in Malaysia as he recently changed his Singapore passport to Malaysia passport mid 2019. Many people say “My father left the family behind. Blah blah blah. Very irresponsible! Blah blah blah” Actually my family supports his reason to leave Singapore. His reason is to help his mother (my paternal grandmother) who has special needs and also to help his sister in KL who has been fighting for a divorce for a couple of years. What is NOT okay is after my mother told my father about my abusive history. He decided to video call the family, me, my sisters and my mother sitting at the table with a laptop talking through the screen. I already know there’s no point having any conversation with him, yup another toxic conversation Round 2. “Why you never tell me ah?! See your problem is you don’t want to open up! ”I talked back “Go try abuse a 5-year-old boy then expect him to explain what he went through and make him open up. GO TRY!” Literally a toxic city, this is not going anywhere. Oh wait, about a week later, my father called my mother and my mother cried. My mother told me and my sisters that my father will never return to Singapore because he said he will be ‘toyed around’ and everybody will push him around condemning him and also one more “Even if I die I don’t expect you to see my grave” Imagine hearing this from your own father or imagine your husband saying this to you. How will you react? How will you feel?
So fast forward, I talked to my friend who’s a social worker about my situation and she advised me to tell the army (serving since July 2020) if they can refer me to the appropriate organization or go to the polyclinic as they can also refer me to the right specialist. She feels that the stakes are high now because I’m putting my tantrums on objects and if I don’t seek help, I may put others in danger or even myself. She suspected that I may have PTSD and symptoms can appear even years after the trauma. Why does she suspect that? She also experienced childhood trauma and other mental health challenges, fortunately she seek help early from a psychiatrist.
All this abuse is history I get it, but the nightmares are still present and when I get reminded of this in any way – objects being thrown, kids getting abused, shouting, death threats, knives or even certain words, I will have to re-live the worst moments of my life.
If you have reached this far in my story a real big big thank to you. Writing this is to make sure I don’t have to repeat my story all over and over again. If I continue to remember bad things, staying alive will be the hardest thing to do.
Update…12 April 2022, I find myself in a better financial position to move out. I feel that moving out is a healthy step for myself. At least in a controlled environment where there is me and 4 walls and a roof, there is less likely of me having flashbacks, triggers and reminders of past memories. Crazy crap happens to me often when I’m living with my family so the only thing stopping me from moving out is National Service. When you’re in National Service I got about 600-800 per month which is not enough to move out and its illegal to be working part time. National Service is total of about 12-15 years serving the country, 2 years full-time and another 10 years the army/police/civil defense will call me back part time for 2 weeks to a month. So yeah, can’t wait to work and gain some independence